I have a confession to make. Yes, it’s time to come clean.

I love watching SpongeBob SquarePants.

For the uninitiated, SpongeBob is a Nickleodean cartoon about a sea sponge who lives in a pineapple at the bottom of the sea in a place called Bikini Bottom. He has a pet snail named Gary and his partner is a pink starfish named Patrick, and they make life miserable for his neighbor, a blue squid named, appropriately, Squidward Tentacles.

Silly, stupid, ridiculous stuff, I know. But hey, how much crazier is this than some of the stuff we used to see as kids.

The advent of television helped popularize cultural stalwarts like Huckelberry Hound and the Jetsons, Fred and Wilma Flintstone, and the Road Runner and his nemesis, Wile E. Coyote. The creative team at Hanna and Barbera gave Disney camp a shot when it came to animated hits with the likes of Yogi Bear and Boo Boo and Deputy Dawg. I always had a soft spot for Warner Brothers creations. Bugs Bunny had way too much attitude, which always drove old Elmer Fudd crazy for that “wabbitt wasscally.” Then there was Daffy Duck, unrelated to the Disney duck family. His lisping delivery could not be surpassed. It’s hard to imagine that one man was responsible for so many of these cartoon characters’ voices. Mel Blanc started out as a radio guy in 1927 and later became the most familiar person in our cartoon heaven. He was responsible for Bugs, Daffy, Porky Pig, Tweetie Bird and his complement, the “puddy tat” Sylvester. White created Speedy Gonzalez, Foghorn Leghorn, Yosemite Sam, and even made Barney Rubble and Mr. Spacely, George Jetson’s boss. On Blanc’s tombstone are the words: “That’s it, folks.”

Then there was that guy named Walt Disney, who gave us Mickey Mouse, his best girl Minney, and all the family friends. They say that Disney wanted to call his creation Mortimer. That would have been a tongue twister for the Musketeer to spell. I remember seeing Disney’s Wonderful World every Sunday night, seeing Donald Duck and Daisy. Donald, of course, never wore pants, something that bothers me greatly to this day. And who were Huey, Dewey and Louie? They say they were Donald’s nephews, but for a long time I maintained that they were descendants of Donald and Daisy. Think about it. Did “Uncle” Donald have a brother or sister? Why were they always with Daisy? And what’s the story with Uncle Scrooge? Uncle… yeah, sure. Grandpa, maybe. And don’t get me started on Goofy. I know Pluto was a dog, but what was Goofy? The mystery continues to this day. Uh-hilk.

Since I admitted that I like SpongeBob, I might as well continue this “True Confessions” session. My brothers and I were also fans of Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. This includes Dudley Do-Right and Sweet Nell, Snidely Whiplash, Tooter Turtle and Mr. Wizard and the perfectly cast spies Boris and Natasha.

If you think our distorted tastes were limited to cartoons, wait until I start talking about how we adore “F-Troop” so much so that my brother named his dog “Corporal Agarn.”

But that’s a sad story for another time.

(Suburban Journals of St. Louis, September 2008)