Before we discuss wedding vows, let’s first take a look at marriage. Marriage is a covenant or binding agreement between a man and a woman where they agree to love each other and live together. It is a covenant made before God and the people. Therefore, it is a sacred and legal institution and must be both monogamous and permanent. According to the Bible, the first marriage occurred between Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The seriousness of that relationship is evidenced in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (NIV).”

The above represents God’s ideal but society clearly demonstrates that there is often a discrepancy between God’s ideal and reality. Divorce and strained relationships characterize many marriages today. What was meant to be an intimate and satisfying relationship has turned into something of a horror story for several people.

I want to identify some of the factors that contribute to this problem. Human nature tends not to be altruistic, and it doesn’t take long for selfishness to surface in marriage. One person or both are motivated by self-interest and the relationship suffers as a result. Some people marry with idealistic and unrealistic expectations. Sooner rather than later they realize that their image of perfection is just the opposite. A main problem is the lack of commitment. Marriage, to survive and thrive, needs two people who are committed to each other despite internal and external factors.

We are products of our society and a diminishing value is placed on keeping the word and the truth. Furthermore, our society is overly preoccupied with sex and pleasure. Both women and men fall victim to this perspective, but perhaps the most harm is done by women who genuinely seek emotional intimacy, but instead are treated as sex objects. Pleasure-seeking and self-gratification (as opposed to delayed gratification) often leads to a lack of responsibility. As a Christian and a pastor, my biggest concern is a lack of reverence for God. Sadly, some Christians who have made a covenant before God are willing to discard that covenant when the marriage experiences difficulties.

For some people, the solution is not to get married at all. However, marriage is a beautiful institution established by God that can result in personal and emotional fulfillment. I have been married for a little over twelve years and my life is richer for the experience. In fact, the only decision that has been more important than getting married has been to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. Although some marriages end in divorce, the good news is that most marriages can be restored. Failed marriages have negative impacts on children, family, friends, finances, and more. Those who think that leaving a husband/wife for someone else is rewarding should consider that the failure rate of second marriages is higher than that of first marriages and that third-time marriages are even worse.

There can be variety in wedding vows and some people even make up their own. Traditional vows often include words like love, honor, cherish, protect, abandon all others, cling only to her, have and keep in sickness and in health for the richer or the poorer. Such words are powerful if we are prepared to live them. Marriage vows, therefore, are not trivial words recited in a ceremony but should be a philosophy that governs the marriage.

Marriage implies love. Love is a commitment to another person. It is a decision to care for another person. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 gives characteristics of love that include patience, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, truth, trust, and perseverance. Love is also an emotion. People talk about being in love and there is a certain euphoria associated with that statement.

However, true love must be distinguished from lust and infatuation. Lust is when the main motivation for the relationship is sex. Many newlyweds can attest that sex is a huge part of the relationship. Sex alone cannot produce a committed and balanced relationship. Falling in love is that loving experience that drives people to do all kinds of crazy things in marriage. It usually lasts about two years. The couple must then decide whether to break up or let true love grow and flourish. Both lust and infatuation are selfish behaviors that actually prevent healthy relationships from developing.

Marriage also requires that we honor our spouse. We must treat it with respect and not be rude or demeaning. The Bible encourages Christians to honor others above themselves: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vanity, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3 NIV). Synonyms for the word cherish include treasure, cherish, and enjoy. Our spouse has value. Apart from God, my wife is the most important person to me. She came before my children and, barring death, she will be there after the children have moved out of the house. The Bible says that we are one flesh, which led the apostle Paul to write, “Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28).

We have a responsibility to protect our spouse from all forms of attack, whether physical, verbal, or otherwise. In history, and I am in no way advocating this, men must uphold a wife’s honor. Jesus described the greatest love of all where one person is willing to sacrifice her life for another as he did on the cross for the redemption of man (John 15:13). Although we normally think of men as protectors, some women can be fierce protectors. It is an insult to your marriage vows when, for example, you allow your parents to verbally humiliate your spouse.

In our overly sexualized culture, having multiple partners is not important at all. Even in an era of HIV/AIDS, such behavior is still prevalent. It is even possible to have secret affairs through Internet chat rooms and pornographic websites. There are also affairs that don’t fit the typical mold, such as emotional affairs that fall short of physical intimacy. Wedding vows require that we abandon all others and commit ourselves to our spouse body and soul. Jesus upped the ante when he said, “But I tell you that whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in her heart” (Matthew 5:28 NIV). We must abandon all others and cling only to her or him. Few things are as beautiful as the marriage of childhood sweethearts.

Wedding vows demand commitment regardless of positive or negative circumstances. It’s easy to stay married when things are going well, but how do we respond when problems arise? Do we distance ourselves from our spouse? Do we go to the lawyer, cursing that he’s not going to get a hundred of my money, property or children? It is the ability to overcome challenges that makes us better people and strengthens our marriage.

Wedding vows do not have any magical quality. Without commitment on the part of both people, they can easily turn into meaningless rhetoric. I want to challenge you to honor your wedding vows. Keep these points in mind. Recognize that neither you nor your spouse are perfect. In light of this, learn to forgive your spouse when he or she makes a mistake or does something to hurt you. Remember to appreciate your spouse. There was a reason you chose to marry this particular person. Generally, you have a good man or a good woman. If you can fall out of love, you can also fall in love again. Love is not just about feeling, but it is definitely about commitment. Determine that you will love and be faithful to your spouse until you die. Throw the word divorce out of your personal dictionary. It is not an option; many times it is just an escape.

Go over your vows with your spouse or choose a new set of vows if you can’t remember what the originals were. Write them down, laminate them, frame them, put them in a visible place to remind you of the seriousness of your commitment. Along with this, it would be nice to renew your vows. This is like getting married again except to the same person. I even encourage you to have a honeymoon after the renovation. Keep passion and romance alive. Leave the kids at home or with a babysitter and have a date night. Also, keep things sizzling in the bedroom. I remember an anecdote where a child asked his grandmother how old you had to be to stop having sex. Grandma told her, “Girl, you’re going to have to ask someone older because I’m not here yet.”

Take immediate action to save your marriage if problems are developing. Talk to a pastor/priest, a counselor, a trusted friend, or someone who is in a position to listen and offer good advice. The danger is when you wait too late. You see symptoms but do nothing to remedy the disease that is destroying your marriage. Also, take a look at yourself. The problem is not just the other person. Learn to talk about everything. The three main problems in marriage are communication, sex and money.

As a Christian and a pastor, I want to encourage you to invite the Lord Jesus Christ into your marriage. God was the one who instituted marriage and He is able to strengthen and preserve yours. Wedding vows are serious. To violate them is to violate a pact before God and men and with your spouse. I pray that this article challenges you to rethink and recommit to his vows.