Of all the issues that come up after one of the spouses has been unfaithful or has had an affair, one of the most problematic is sex. After all, it’s the sex with someone else that caused the affair in the first place. And there may have been sexual problems in your marriage before the affair. So it goes without saying that this is a potentially problematic and sensitive topic that both people may be hesitant to talk about or address.

The thing is, sex after an affair can help bring the married couple together or it can be something else that drives them further apart. And unfortunately, there are so many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions surrounding it. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

Try not to make false assumptions about how your spouse feels about sex right now: Here is one of the biggest problems I see. The spouse who was cheated on is full of self-doubt and questions about his self-esteem. They will worry that their spouse has cheated on them because they were not satisfied with marital sex or because they no longer found their spouse sexy or desirable. So the cheated spouse may feel ugly, insecure, and awkward even when none of these things are true.

These assumptions can put a huge damper on what happens in your bedroom when you’re trying to save the marriage and heal. Because all these doubts and insecurities haunt you and bring discomfort and more problems to an already difficult situation.

Similarly, the cheating spouse may feel like a big creep if they even think about initiating sex. And they are well aware that once either party thinks about sex, the issue of the sexual content of the affair is suddenly brought into question. There is no way for either spouse to think or wonder about sex with the other person. It just can’t be helped.

And even if the cheating spouse is 100% sincere in their love and commitment to their spouse and to saving their marriage, they will usually also take care not to make advances or initiate physical contact because their spouse might well be repulsed by the idea. of even a hug or touch right now, much less sex.

But, of course, the faithful spouse will interpret this to mean that he or she simply isn’t interested because he or she doesn’t find it desirable or exciting. So what he has is all these incorrect assumptions and insecurities coming into play that often make the situation worse.

That’s why it’s so important to do your best to be open and honest, even if it makes you feel very vulnerable. It’s really the only way to measure what’s really going on. Because the truth is, you may be wrong about what your spouse is thinking and feeling. And being wrong could make the situation worse or downright unbearable.

It’s important not to put too much pressure on your sex life after the affair: I often advise couples to wait until they are absolutely sure they are ready and want to have sex again. It is much better to wait and have no doubt that this is the right time than to rush and just go through the motions or be numb, or worse, have a bad experience.

Sometimes when the sex isn’t as good or great after the affair, both people assume the marriage is unsavable, there is too much damage, or the spark is gone. And sometimes, this is the first step in giving up on your marriage. This is so unfortunate and embarrassing because usually it’s not that the spark or chemistry is gone, it’s that the couple moved in too soon or rushed things a bit before some outstanding issues were resolved.

How to regain your sexual confidence: Probably one of the most common concerns I hear from spouses who have been cheated on is that they don’t feel desirable or sexy. They fear that the moment they undress or begin to have sexual contact, they will see hesitation, pity, or revulsion in their spouse’s eyes. And unfortunately, this fear often prevents them from reaching their full potential or comfort level as individuals or as part of a couple.

If you’re dealing with this and are afraid to have sex again after the affair, there’s nothing wrong with focusing on rebuilding your confidence. You’ve been hit hard. What you are feeling is absolutely natural. Give yourself permission to do whatever makes you feel better about yourself. You can’t worry about how your spouse feels. You have to focus on how you feel.

But here is something that almost everyone underestimates. From the people who write to me or comment on my blog, it is my opinion that both men and women tend to agree on what is sexy or exciting. And one thing that both men and women find sexy is confidence. Countless people have told me it’s not how you look, or what you do. It really is your enthusiasm and your ability to engage and give and take with confidence and adventure. If you don’t have this as a result of the adventure, then you may still have work to do or may be coming up short.

And if you’ve never had this kind of confidence or enthusiasm, there really is no better time than the present. You deserve to be happy. And sometimes an adventure is an opportunity to make some areas of your life better than they were before.