People fail. From time to time they go wrong with the challenges of family relationships, lifestyle, work, etc. And when they make a mistake, they suffer adverse consequences. It’s no wonder then that we talk about being kind and understanding to those who are failing, who are struggling financially, emotionally, or interpersonally. But when it comes to our own problems, do we feel we should show the same consideration, the same kindness, the same tolerance? Don’t we need to take care of ourselves in addition to taking care of others? The mindfulness movement advocates that we practice self-compassion.

“Self-compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most, to become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy.” (Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, Mindfulness Teachers)

Why is self-compassion necessary?
“We all wish we had a perfect childhood, with a mother and father who modeled ideal parenting attitudes and taught us to internalize the principles of self-love. Many of us, however, didn’t.” (Marianne Williamson, American author, spiritual leader, politician and activist).

Self-compassion and self-criticism
One can be comprehensively honest with a good friend about their weaknesses or mistakes.

“Sure, it’s not the job of high school teachers to bring down students’ self-esteem. But it’s certainly not to inflate students’ sense of self-worth with a bunch of undeserved compliments and half-truths.” (LZ Granderson, American journalist)

Likewise, having self-pity and accepting our own faults does not mean agreeing with them. Honest self-acceptance can lead to correcting our mistakes. Self-assessment is the vital first step toward personal change.

We can be self-critical without falling into harsh self-criticism. Unless we look at ourselves honestly, we are in danger of self-justifying, becoming self-deceived.

Self-compassion and self-compassion
One can have sympathy for one’s own situation without being self-absorbed and wallowing in self-pity.

“Self-pity is never helpful. It tends to get distorted like the mirror in a fun house.” (Anne Roiphe, American author and feminist)

“Discontent, blame, complaints, self-pity cannot serve as a basis for a good future, no matter how much effort you put in.” (Eckhart Tolle, spiritual author and teacher)

complacency
One can be kind to oneself without having to indulge in a self-indulgent binge or spend a spree. Self-compassion is compatible with self-control.

I would suggest that there has been a pressure on people to look perfect, heightened by celebrity culture. This has led to inappropriate feelings particularly in many women exploited by advertising.

“L’Oreal’s slogan ‘because you’re worth it’ has become the epitome of the banal narcissism of early 21st century capitalism; easy indulgence and effortless self-love, all available with a swipe of a credit card.” (Geoff Mulgan, British political and social writer)

own interest
Loving yourself is good. Because unless we love ourselves, how can we expect to love others? Similarly, without respect for oneself, how could we respect others?

A balance is needed between love for oneself and love for others. There is a big difference between, on the one hand, having enough love and compassion for oneself and, on the other hand, narcistic self-love. The latter is equivalent to prioritizing self-love that will never lead to feeling compassion for others in need. Because when self-love rules, it results in self-interest, self-interest, and selfishness.

“A modest dose of self-love is completely healthy. Who would want to live in a world where everyone hates themselves? But taken too far, it soon becomes poisonous.” (Geoff Mulgan)

Lack of self-compassion blocks compassion for others.
Compassion for others may sound like a tall order. This is especially the case for those of us who lack self-compassion. But it is a higher calling.

Compassion is the key to living outside the confines of your lower self. (Debbie Ford, American self-help author and trainer)

Can self-compassion, as we have defined it, really help us find this deeper concern for others?

“Self-compassion fosters mindfulness, or noticing your feelings without judgment; kindness toward yourself, or speaking to yourself in a reassuring way; and common humanity, or thinking about how others might be suffering similarly.” (Rachel Simmons, American author)

How can we care for others if we cannot practice self-care? How can we be kind to others unless we are kind to ourselves? However, when we accept our own difficulty and unhappiness, we can better recognize that of others. Our pain is part of the shared human experience. Everyone makes mistakes and experiences difficulties in life. As Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer point out, we are all flawed works in progress. When we see this, it helps us feel connected to others in the same boat as us. It facilitates a compassionate attitude towards our common humanity.

Self-compassion and Christian heritage
I see this growing interest in self-compassion as a healthy reaction against an unfortunate aspect of our Western Christian heritage. In my opinion, this has been a somewhat punitive notion of God. It assumes that there is a possibility that the God who is love and mercy in himself does not want to forgive us for any wrong.

According to spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg’s analysis, this erroneous attitude stems from treating the biblical image of multiple deity as literally true when its meaning is metaphorical. Not three Gods but three aspects of the one God. As a result of this error, a common image of God the Father has been that of wanting humanity to suffer for falling by the wayside. This wrath, it is assumed, could only be appeased through the self-sacrifice of God the Son.

I would argue that this mistaken notion of deity has resulted in the traditional idea of ​​’original sin’. If such a doctrine is true, it would mean that we are all born guilty sinners who receive harsh treatment.

Such a negative view has permeated our way of thinking. Unsurprisingly, we are quick to criticize our own shortcomings, failures, and misdeeds as justification for misfortune, punishment, or rejection. And some of us actually condemn ourselves as unworthy of self-respect and care for others. The Gospel, however, is clear about our own attitude toward ourselves.

“You love your neighbor as yourself” (Jesus Christ)