In my practice I see couple after couple who were so busy with everyday life; the demands of children, work, home, etc. that they have lost contact with themselves, with each other and with the relationship. This often happens without anyone noticing and leads to him or her simply discovering one day the lack of connection with their partner and often the notion that the relationship is “over” takes shape.

Also, when a person is tired/stressed/burnt out/exhausted/depressed, they just can’t be their best self and therefore can’t be their best self in the relationship either. When both are in this situation, we end up with a relationship where each partner is often barely getting by and neither can be a constructive force in the relationship. A downward negative spiral takes place fueled by guilt, criticism, anger, misunderstanding, frustration, distance and lack of support.

I have often thought of the enormous value of teaching and therefore preparing our children early, through school-wide programs, for relationships. Somehow we are expected to know how to have and nurture healthy relationships! In my own life, and through my counseling work, I have come to realize that for the most part we simply do not have an inherent sense of how we are supposed to be a good couple and how to live ‘well’ together. Everyone at some point faces challenges in their relationship. (And if our examples of growth had been less than favorable, then even more so.)

This education should include the information that we can often differ, but that difference is usually a good thing, as individuals and as men and women, how to handle this, the issue of tolerance and healthy communication, and everything specifically related to training. and maintaining constructive relationships. .

Instead of ‘Cinderella fairy tales’, we should educate our children on what it takes for a couple to successfully live together. Convey the message that a relationship is like a flower that needs constant care and attention, and if you don’t water and care for it, it will wither (even after years of being together). Therefore, education is needed that emphasizes the work and care we must put into our healthy relationships and that a good relationship does not magically appear with a ‘happily ever after’ label if the partners are ‘right’ for each other. , even with the best permanent care bonding is critical to a good connection.

So those of you who are currently on a dry flower bed in your relationship, take heart, it usually doesn’t mean it’s all over. There are skills to learn, strategies to apply, and plans to make. Let’s start watering nourishing and caring. (Again, remember that most couples feel this way at some point, and so you’re certainly not alone.) And yes, care and nurture even if you feel ‘finished’, or rather, to be the one who ‘deserves’ care and nurturing.

Remember what a great feeling it is to be in a happy and intimate relationship. You can have that joy again! A few changes can make a big difference. Here are some specific ideas:

• Have a 10-minute conversation a day (hey, there’s always something to say about the news, work, or just asking about each other’s day)
• Choose to be happy and kind, instead of having to be right.
• Say ‘how can I help you?’
• Say ‘how are you?’
• Unexpected kiss/hug/smile.
• I often kiss/hug/smile.
• No blame!
• No criticizing!
• Decide not to get caught up in negative situations or emotions.
• Decide not to be offended by trivialities, let it go, yes, you have the choice.
• Extend acceptance (hey, let’s show each other some grace).
• Focus on the friendship, remembering what you used to do as friends, and do some of those things again. Think about how we treat our friends: do you treat your partner with kindness?
• Increase your partner’s self-esteem.
• Do not vent/unload your frustrations on your partner.
• Accept the challenge of inspiring or influencing your relationship by being the best you can be. Bring the best you can to the relationship. (Pretend that the world is watching and that you are setting an example of how to be a happy, healthy, loving couple in a relationship. And remember those little bystanders in your life, too.) Dare to see the effect this has on your partner and relationship!
• Treat those closest to you the best, not the worst!
• Come on, be creative.
• Take responsibility for being a happy and healthy individual in yourself and see the positive effect you have on the world around you. (Give off that positive energy and get some back)
• If you need to, talk to someone who can support you in getting to where you want to be in yourself and in your relationship. It’s worth it!