Faithful spouses may hear many excuses intended to justify cheating. Sometimes the excuse will try to shift the blame elsewhere. For example, a cheating husband will accuse his wife of being inattentive and cold. Or a cheating wife will say that her husband never appreciated her. Sometimes, however, the cheating spouse is willing to take all the blame. But the reason he gives causes the faithful husband to question his sincerity. Because his excuse is that he felt bad about himself.

In this scenario, a common comment would be, “For weeks, I’ve been trying to get my husband to be honest with me about why he cheated on me with one of his co-workers. He didn’t really say anything about it. Until I got really mad and was blunt with him. And then he blurted out that he thought he cheated on him because he felt bad about himself at this point in his life. I told him this was crazy because my husband is one of the most trusting people I know. He has a lot He is very successful and well loved, so it’s hard for me to buy this. He said that he really feels his age and feels that people only like him because of his success. He says that deep down, he feels like a fraud. He felt that the another woman saw her true self and liked her anyway. I guess I should appreciate her attempt at honesty, but I just don’t buy it. Is this a common excuse?

It’s not an uncommon excuse, but it’s much less common than the cheating spouse trying to blame the other spouse or making lame excuses that point the finger anywhere but at themselves. It is much more common for a cheating husband to try to tell his wife that she was too demanding or that she wasn’t there for him than to acknowledge her own shortcomings. So as far as excuses, I honestly prefer this one to a few others because at least he’s taking responsibility.

And frankly, I often write about my theory that an affair often follows a personal crisis or moment of self-doubt. I just see this over and over. So yeah, I buy into this line of thinking a lot. I get that the husband seemed to radiate confidence, but honestly, sometimes the people who seem the most confident can be the most insecure. They may feel that they need to live up to some expectation or they may feel that at any moment, people may discover that they are not as good as they seem at first glance. They often feel that they must be careful not to let anyone see their “true self.”

Also, people who were full of confidence in their youth may begin to wonder if they are still worthy or if they still have all their attributes as they get older. And, if her husband felt that he was slipping a bit at work or if for some reason the business had changed, this would be another challenge to her self-esteem.

I can’t know if all things were true in this particular situation. But I can tell you that sometimes I hear from men who have had affairs who have said exactly the same thing: that the affair was a sorry attempt to feel better about himself at a time when he felt very vulnerable.

Honestly, it’s my opinion that affair is often an attempt to escape these feelings of inadequacy, even when the person cheating can’t see it clearly. And the great irony of all this is that once the matter is discovered, not only are these vulnerabilities exposed and need to be addressed, but now everything is complicated because he has an angry wife and a marriage whose future is uncertain. And this makes him feel doubly bad about himself.

However, let me be clear. Feeling bad about yourself is not an excuse to cheat. It can be a contributing factor and is a common reason for cheating, but there is never an excuse that makes it right. So while I think her husband might be telling the absolute truth about him, that doesn’t mean he can shirk the damage he’s done. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to work long and hard to get this right again, while also addressing the vulnerabilities that lead to this in the first place.

In short, he’s got a lot of work to do and a lot on his plate at a time when he’s already struggling. And it’s totally up to you if you want to give her a chance to address things or try to save your marriage. But as to whether people cheat because they feel bad or insecure about themselves, yes, I buy it. In fact, I think it’s one of the most common reasons for cheating.