Let’s say it’s Thanksgiving and you’ve just been diagnosed with gluten and casein intolerance. Suddenly you are faced with a life without wheat or dairy. Ever. You and your beloved boyfriend are walking the supermarket aisles, planning your Christmas feast: ham (read the label, check the additives… that’s ok), baked potatoes, baby carrots, green beans. Everything is going well, until your beloved boyfriend walks into the bakery and starts touching cakes. He pauses for angel food, he ponders a chocolate cake, and finally, after much deliberation, settles on a deep plate of honey crisp apple pie. “Let’s go buy ice cream!” he exclaims.

In your mind, he’s writing on the floor in a puddle of melted French vanilla, clutching his groin. You actually grit your teeth and follow him down the dairy aisle (pretending not to notice the Chunky Monkey you’ll NEVER TASTE AGAIN), past the checkout counter, drive home, open the ice cream, spit it out, put it down, and damn. he breaks down and finally collapses in a fit of despair. Then you make this amazing apple crumble, which is just for you because you’ve become SDI, and SDIs can’t call sharing.

A fit of despair Apple Crumble
amounts are approximate, just make it feel

2 apples, peeled, halved and sliced
2 teaspoons sugar (or sweetener of choice)
Cinnamon (whatever you want)
1 teaspoon ghee (more or less)

Crumble little:
2 teaspoons of ghee (approx.)
¼ cup brown sugar (or sweetener of choice)
¼ cup almond flour (ground almonds)
¼ cup crumbled walnuts or other nuts

1. Grease a pan with ghee. Place the apple slices in the pan, sprinkle with sugar/sweetener and cinnamon. Dot with 2 teaspoons of ghee.

2. Mix the other 2 teaspoons of ghee with brown sugar/sweetener. Mix with almond flour and walnuts. Place it on top of the apples. Bake covered at 350 for 15 minutes, then uncover and bake until the crumbs have browned and the apples are tender, about 30 minutes depending on your oven, weather, if the moon is on Mars, etc.

3. Serve warm or cold. Top with whipped coconut cream. And let everyone else eat your cheesy store-bought cake. Wheat-eating losers.

Whipped Coconut Cream

1 can of coconut milk
Vanilla extract or vanilla bean
sugar/sweetener

Okay kids, I’ll tell you straight up: this is a labor of love. It’s pissed off, touchy, and annoying as hell, but it’s worth it.

First, you need to let a can of coconut milk sit for a day or so, so that the water separates out. Sometimes you will get a can where this has happened. Unfortunately, it never will be when you want to make coconut whipped cream. I have found that getting a brand that has had water added to it makes this easier.

After a day or so, store it in the freezer for another day. See, this is annoying and requires advance preparation.

Remove from the freezer and open both ends of the can. Your dad! The water piece has been frozen separately from the creamy piece. Use a lid to push everything out into one big block, then cut off the watery part. If you have a can opener that cuts around the outside of the rim of the can and therefore can’t use the lid to push said block in, do what I did and cut off the watery part with a large knife. Heavy use will make the process seem faster.

Pulse the frozen creamy portion into a food processor and blend. Add a capful or so of vanilla extract, or cut and squeeze the innards out of a vanilla bean. Plug in a little sugar/sweetener. Taste and adjust according to how sweet and vanilla you like it. (Note: the extract is fine, but the innards of the bean will give you beautiful brown spots all over PLUS the smug satisfaction that can only come from using an honest-to-god vanilla bean.) Stuff the whip into a freezer bag or other storage appliance and let it sit in the fridge for another day or so.

It won’t be as snappy as, say, Cool Whip, but it will be BETTER.

What is ghee?

Sign. Ghee, dairy fans, is clarified butter. Basically, you take butter (organic, unsalted) and heat it in a pan until the milk solids separate (30-60 minutes), strain it out, and you’re left with butterfat that tastes like caramel and nice. You can buy ghee in many places, especially Indian markets, but I prefer to make my own because a) I’m a control freak and b) I don’t go out often. Use it wherever you use butter.