I recently received an email from a wife who was devastated. Not only was she dealing with finding out that her husband had been having an affair, but that same husband had decided that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to end the affair or give up on her lover. The husband went on to state that he was “confused” and that he “needed time to determine where his heart was.”

The wife wanted my advice on what to do. She really wanted to save her marriage. She had children to think about. She wasn’t ready to just close the door on the life she had built because her husband was acting like a fool. She hoped that he would finally reconcile, but what should she do in the meantime? She didn’t want to just back down and allow him to continue with this woman, but she was afraid that if she gave him an ultimatum or pressed the issue, he wouldn’t accept her and leave forever.

She didn’t know which way to go. My take on this (and it’s just my take) is that the wife was in a situation where she had to decide what was going to be a deal breaker for her personally and act on it. In addition, her husband was likely to disrespect or view her positively if she allowed herself to take a backseat to someone else. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

It is very difficult to save a marriage when you are still having an affair: The wife wanted to do something that I felt couldn’t be done the way things were right now. It is almost impossible to restore or address the marriage when there are three people in the relationship. There really should only be two. To fix this error, you will need both of you to be committed and willing to do a lot of restoration work. This is not possible for him if his mind and heart are possibly with someone else or if he is not sure which one of you he wants.

And it was completely unfair and selfish for the husband to expect the wife to be patient while he made a decision. He shouldn’t be able to have it both ways. It was painful for the wife to consider that the marriage could be at risk in any way. Because honestly, even if she demanded that she work on the marriage, she would always wonder if the husband was thinking and longing for her lover, especially since the husband was so honest about not being willing to end the affair.

Don’t take game seconds for the mistress or the affair: The wife’s worst fear was divorce. She was very clear that she did not want this and that she would fight to the end to save her marriage. But, nothing said that she had to file for divorce at this point. She could still maintain her self-respect and put the salvation of the marriage on hold until her husband decided to commit and end the affair.

Nada said she couldn’t tell the husband that she wasn’t willing to work with him while he was still on the matter, but that he could approach her again once he decided he was over this and ready to make amends. In this way, the wife made her boundaries clear, maintaining her self-esteem, but not closing the book on her marriage.

This was going to be very important for her self-esteem. She deserved more than this. And honestly, maintaining her integrity would make her seem more attractive to her husband. A wife who is a doormat and allows this kind of behavior certainly makes it easier for the husband, but she will not normally perceive her as an equal or as capable and attractive.

Waiting for the matter to lose its shine: Of course, the wife was very afraid that the husband and mistress would fall deeply in love, ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I suppose this could happen, but more commonly, the husband will realize that he was not living in reality. He will come to realize how stupid he was acting and that the woman or the relationship was not what he thought. Usually, once the excitement and novelty wears off, so will his fascination and commitment to the adventure.

And eventually, many husbands realize that they were looking for something that no one else could provide except themselves. In other words, a relationship, a woman, and a fantasy cannot restore your self-esteem, relieve your boredom, or restore your self-doubt in the long run. This is just something that they will have to provide for themselves. Many come to know this eventually.

And when they do, if you have behaved with integrity and have not compromised on your ideals, you will appear much more attractive and be in a much better position. At that point, you can decide whether or not this was a deal breaker for you, but at least you’ll be in a much better position to make this decision for yourself.