At this time of year we are all looking for love. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left a man in my bed thinking “this is the one.” I bet a lot of us are guilty of this. I suppose both men and women have probably thought of this at one point or another, but I will speak here from a woman’s perspective. Most of us don’t like the feeling of a one-night stand, especially if we are the ones who are interested in the outcome.
There is always one person more committed than the other and someone always goes home feeling rejected. We sit and wait for that call that never comes, we go round and round in our minds about “Why? What did I do wrong?” We beat ourselves up over and over again for days as we go through stages of grief. If you are the one with the most invested, it usually goes something like this:
Day 1: Euphoric. We feel good about the other person. We played the night before over and over in our heads and we can’t seem to think of much else. We probably sit and daydream most of the day as a teenager. We fantasize about our next meeting. We wonder when he will call, email or text. So we wonder if we should be the first to do it. Who wants to play after all? But for most women, we tend to wait.
Day 2: Initial stages of fear and mistrust. No calls, no email, no text messages. We decided, “Maybe I’ll send him an email or a text message. What’s the harm in that?” No response. We wait, we think, we begin to punish ourselves. Once again, we play it over and over in our heads. But this time, we look for that fatal flaw. “What did I do wrong?”
Day 3: Panic. Still no response to your message. We go through several different scenarios in our head as to why it might not be responding. Maybe your phone died, or maybe you are out of town and there is no service, or maybe you are too busy and will call later. Maybe he’s testing me! We make up all kinds of crazy excuses.
Day 4: Ira. “I can’t believe he didn’t return my message. Anyway, it’s his loss.” We try to keep busy so we don’t think about him, but it’s hard to resist checking our phone or email every 10 minutes. We rationalize and sometimes even send another message or try to call. This only increases despair if once again there is no answer!
Day 5-7 Acceptance – Self Doubt – Acceptance. We continue to hesitate to accept that there is nothing we can do to change the situation, to ask ourselves “What exactly did I do wrong?” We over-analyzed everything we did or said and how we looked, or whatever the insecurity was. We have all done it! I know I have, and several times. I punish myself and say that I will never allow that to happen again. But I can’t tell you how many times I let it happen. And every time I did, my stomach ached, literally. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of self-loathing, self-pity, and guilt.
I crawled on the ground so much that it was difficult to get up in the morning. But get up, we have to do it and get on with our lives. We must learn not only to be more demanding, but more importantly, we must be inclined to love ourselves. Once you really know and feel love for yourself, you can never fall prey to these negative emotions again. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is HONOR OURSELVES. Honor is the key to life. If you live with honor, you can never be drawn into that dark abyss of self-hatred and shyness. Eventually, the pain, pain, shame, and guilt will start to fade. It becomes a bad memory. But hopefully we learn from that memory.
5 tips to dispel despair
AFFIRMATIONS: The key to learning how to let go of self-hatred and fear is through constant affirmations. We’ve heard this over and over again, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to say it out loud and in the mirror every day, multiple times a day. I get to write it down on paper when those old feelings of fear and despair arise. I write and write until finally that dark cloud goes away. If you keep saying to yourself “I love and approve of myself” over and over again, eventually you will start to believe it. Honor yourself and honor your body and you will attract honorable people who want more than a one night stand.
RELIEVERS OF PHYSICAL STRESS: I like to run. It is so purifying to go out and clear my mind. Try running without music so that you are present in your head. I can’t tell you how therapeutic it is. It’s what got me through my divorce. Some people see it as exercising the body, I see it as exercising the soul. Do what is good for you. It could be playing the piano, gardening, or singing at the top of your lungs in the car. Go ahead and do it and release some of that negative energy. You could even try to get a ball to squeeze. You can go as far as writing down what you want to drop, closing your eyes and squeezing that ball with all your might sending all your negative energy towards it and when you are done send the ball flying across the room or out onto the yard. The physical aspect of releasing the ball will help you release your anger or tension. There are many mind games that you can play with yourself. Do what works for you.
MEDITATION: This is great! Make sure you are alone and in a quiet space indoors or outdoors. I love going to the ocean and listening to the waves crashing. For me, the ocean is the most enriching and vitalizing energy. The sound of the wind and waves and the smell of the sea air help me to dig deep into my head and calm the talk. But again, do what works for you. There are many guided meditations that you can find online that are great for helping to calm your mind. Try to practice this every day if you can. Even if it’s only for 10 or 15 minutes a day. I can’t tell you how wonderful and energetic you will feel when you are done.
DAILY: I love writing my thoughts. Somehow he takes it out of me so that it doesn’t continue to be found in my head. If you’re afraid someone will read it, burn or shred it when you’re done. It might also encourage you to write a letter to the person you are focusing on. It is important that you release your anger. Write a letter and rant. Say all the things you want and need to say. When you’re done, burn it! Actually. It is very liberating to do this and it helps to close the situation. DO NOT SEND IT. If you do, you will most likely regret it the next day.
PROFESSIONAL THERAPY: Go talk to someone who is unbiased. Your best friend can be a good shoulder to cry on, but 9 times out of 10 they will tell you what you want to hear. If this doesn’t resonate with you, try a seminar. There are so many organizations that will help you achieve your goals. From financial freedom and wealth to health and self-awareness.
