1. At Panama City Beach (hereinafter referred to as PCB) the sands are soft and almost snow-white, complemented by a crystal clear blue, emerald green sea. These beaches could be taken out of a postcard: they are truly beautiful and rival all those in the Caribbean. On the other side of the Atlantic, in England, there are sandy and pebble beaches. Sandy beaches consist of yellow sand with a grainy texture, and pebble beaches are basically an expanse of large stones. Excellent for skimming the water, painful beyond measure to walk barefoot or to lie on a beach towel. If I have a choice, I’ll stick with the sandy bottom any day.

2. A summer day at the beach in PCB is usually hot and sticky; Jumping into the ocean is a great way to cool off and beat the heat. You can sit under an umbrella for shade and return to some air conditioning if the temperatures are too high. In England, you can still sit under the umbrella, but it will be to protect you from the elements. (ie wind, rain or hail) Do you find it difficult to keep your beach towel spread out on the beach at PCB? Try to do it with winds close to hurricanes. A windbreaker is a necessary item to pack along with your flip flops, sweaters, and maybe even a jacket or two.

3. There is nothing like a postcard to make people at home jealous and to illustrate what a fabulous time you are having on your beach getaway. A PCB postcard will typically show a stunning view of the beach, perhaps some palm trees swaying in the breeze and a glorious sunset on the horizon. An English beach postcard is a very different story. There are usually a couple of older ladies wearing very questionable knickers or one-piece swimsuits, sitting on their striped loungers and eating fish and chips on newsprint or a stone bar. The ladies will smile, but you can tell they are freezing cold and wish they were warm at home. What are knickers and stone sticks? I could explain it, but I don’t have enough space to explain the complexities of our “common” language!

4. Vacationers visiting PCB will enjoy, for the most part, comfortable and spacious accommodations with beautiful views of the sparkling Gulf of Mexico. Hotels or condos offer all the comforts of home such as cable TV, DVD, washer and dryer, sometimes a full kitchen, and usually a private balcony. Head east about 4000 miles and you will probably find yourself in a B&B (which is Bed and Breakfast) sharing a bathroom with ten other people and having to check before taking a bath in case the water is not enough hot. Of course that’s a bit of a stretch, but trust me … many B & Bs still offer shared bathrooms and almost all of them will run out of hot water at some point. The B&B is a traditional English guest house and is basically a room in someone’s house complete with a greasy fry in the morning. The decor generally feels like time stood still somewhere around 1936, and the amenities are basically a kettle, a bed, and a reading lamp. Plus, if you’re really lucky, you can get a TV with a whopping 4 channels to choose from.

5. One of the best things about a PCB vacation is the fabulous variety of cuisine to tantalize your taste buds and the sensational array of restaurants available. This is what a typical menu of the day might look like:

Breakfast: fresh seasonal fruit, semolina, eggs as you like, pancakes and coffee.

Lunch: Grilled grouper sandwich, fresh tuna sauce and a colorful salad.

Dinner: Fresh seafood platter with shrimp, lobster, clams, oysters, fish, and crab. Key lime pie for dessert. Are you still hungry?

Here’s what could be served at Tea-and-Crumpetville Beach:

Breakfast: Traditional frying. Eggs, bacon, sausage, fried toast, tomatoes, baked beans, and blood sausage. Yes, I really did say baked beans and blood sausage. Plus a cup of hot tea with milk to start the day.

Lunch: Steak and kidney pie, French fries (which are French fries), mushy peas, and gravy. If your kidney puts you off, maybe try a fish and chips wrapped in newspaper. It really makes it taste better.

Dinner: Sausages (sausages) with mash or baked potato (baked). Probably mushy peas again. And a big old bowl of stained cock and custard for dessert. Hmm

I’m not suggesting for a minute that an English beach holiday is something to be avoided at all costs. Quite the opposite. It’s actually a divine experience, enhanced by quirky traditions and unpredictable weather. I think England is one of the best destinations in the world and I know any visitor would love it, blood pudding and all. Panama City Beach is, in my opinion, another of the best vacation destinations in the world and has its own unique qualities that set it apart from the rest. If you are lucky enough to be able to cross the Atlantic, you will love it. For those on vacation in the United States heading to Panama City Beach, a sunny, sandy, southern delight awaits. Just leave the jackets and windbreakers at home and think twice before ordering grits.